loved this
02/03/10 12:47
This is
an "actual letter" from
an Austin , Texas woman sent
to
Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine
products. She
really gets
rolling after the first
paragraph.
This was PC Magazine's 2007 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you kidding
me right
now? What I
mean is, does any part of
your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness -
actual smiling,
laughing happiness, is possible
during a menstrual period? Did
anything
mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there
will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in
which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just
so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's
armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan
to
end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the
love of God, pull your head out, man! If you
have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say
something
that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the
Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is
Wrong'.
Sir, please inform your Accounting
Department that, effective
immediately, there
will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for
I
have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though
I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss
your
brand of condescending Crappy
Messages.
And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. .
..
Wendi
Aarons
Austin , TX
This was PC Magazine's 2007 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you kidding
me right
now? What I
mean is, does any part of
your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness -
actual smiling,
laughing happiness, is possible
during a menstrual period? Did
anything
mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there
will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in
which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just
so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's
armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan
to
end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the
love of God, pull your head out, man! If you
have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say
something
that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the
Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is
Wrong'.
Sir, please inform your Accounting
Department that, effective
immediately, there
will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for
I
have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though
I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss
your
brand of condescending Crappy
Messages.
And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. .
..
Wendi
Aarons
Austin , TX